Silenced Voices – Men and Abortion

My name is Jill, and I am the Director of Abortion Recovery and Care (ARC) at Care Net, and I’ve been working in abortion recovery for over a decade.  If you have heard me speak before you know that abortion is a part of my story, and I have been on the receiving end of God’s amazing grace. I want that grace for anyone else who has been broken by their abortion decision. In the years that I’ve been doing this, I’ve always worked with women.

Until now.

When I joined the Care Net staff in 2021, my first assignment was to revise and update our women’s healing Bible study, Forgiven and Set Free. We launched the revised edition, and its companion Facilitator Guide, at our National Conference in August of 2022.  And I just want to say thank you to everyone that has embraced it, and created an awesome community!

If you were at our first Called and Missioned Men’s Summit in March of 2022 (or saw the recording of my segment), you might remember me talking about developing a resource for men. My plan had been to develop and launch that work at this year’s National Conference, however, God had other plans. In October, I was asked “is it possible to have this ready for our 2023 Men’s Summit?”, meaning there was less than six months to make it happen. 

When you are asked to do something that feels impossible and your panicked prayers sound something like “I can’t do this Lord. I can’t. Only you can do it, Lord, please help me!”, don’t be surprised when He shows up. And show up He did, along with a hand-picked focus group of men, many with abortions in their past, who were willing to share their stories, experiences, and lessons. 

We know there is precious little research on the after-effects of abortion on women, and even less so for men. The same holds true for healing resources: there’s only a small handful available for men. So, if it is a challenge to talk about the harm women experience because of abortion, it is even more difficult to talk about the effects on men. 

But that conversation is needed.

What I heard from the men in the focus group broke my heart in a different way. They said things like:

• “I feel shamed by my own past, even though I know that’s not who I am.”

• “What’s been violated is our divine design. When we reneged on that, there was a brokenness in our being, like a bird with a broken wing.”

• “We feel like we can’t lead our families. You question your judgment; your moral integrity is suspect. And we challenge our own self-worth. Abortion does that. We deem ourselves worthless.”

They shared a deep sadness. The abortion had stolen their voice, their manhood, their leadership, and their children. They also shared a deep desire to help other men heal from their abortion wounds. With their willingness, and a ton of prayer, we worked to revise the book Fatherhood Aborted by Guy Condon. Using that work as a framework, we were able to create a Bible study that speaks to the heart of men, walks them to the foot of the Cross and prayerfully ushers in the healing that comes through Jesus Christ. 

We are thrilled to be introducing Reclaiming Fatherhood at the Called and Missioned Men’s Summit in early March. Reclaiming Fatherhood provides a roadmap to healing for men who are struggling with the emotional and spiritual fallout of abortion.  This book can be the first step in a journey out of survival and into hope, purpose, and a life of fulfillment.

Be advised, abortion recovery looks different for men – don’t expect guys to be comfortable in a group setting, especially with this topic.  Most will be better served in a one-on-one situation. This is where having male staff members or volunteers serving as mentors is key. And this is an important conversation to be having with the church. Five in ten men whose partner had an abortion were attending church at least once a month at the time of the abortion. This resource is needed as much in the church as it’s needed in our pregnancy centers!  Every man in our focus group talked about how having a spiritual mentor to walk through the healing process with was a game-changer. There was Godly accountability, compassion, and genuine relationships that were forged.

As you seek to engage more men in your ministry, consider Reclaiming Fatherhood or another abortion recovery study for men.

For a number of years, Care Net has been working to engage the fathers. We know that God’s design for families is a two-parent household and even if that is not the case for some of our clients, the role of fathers in the lives of their children cannot be overstated. We want the dads we serve to be well-equipped so they may love and parent well – that means they need to be operating from a place of wholeness (or as close to wholeness as we will get this side of heaven). Asking if abortion is part of his story is equally as important as finding out if it’s part of hers. Not only will this information aid in the initial coaching of the client, but it will help in long-term discipling of both. 

We always try to ascertain what the driving factor is behind the abortion decision, and ask what’s making them think this is the route they want to take?  In some cases it could be a past abortion for one or both of them, and it is easier to walk that familiar path again. If the father of the baby has handled an unplanned pregnancy with an abortion previously, particularly if he was somewhat removed from the fallout, he might be pushing for that “solution” again. We know helping mothers and fathers connect with the baby, to see the child for what it is, a living, breathing, image-bearer of God, can be what leads to the decision for life. If either of them are post-abortive, it can also bring the reality and finality of the other abortion decision to the forefront of their minds. We want to be prepared to serve both through our abortion recovery programs.

It can be tricky bringing the father of the baby into the counseling conversation, particularly if he is pushing for the abortion. But just like her, he is most likely motivated by some type of fear and if we know what that is, we can speak into the situation. Typically, he’s the one who has the most influence in this decision and she’s going to seek out and hear his voice, so let’s help shape the conversation. We cannot say “he only gets a say if he’s on the side of life.” But we can lovingly counter every argument with truth and show them ways we can come alongside them to support a decision for life. We want to demonstrate the love of Christ to him as much as we do her!  We know the weight of these conversations and we are grateful that you are making a compelling argument for Christ in every one of them.

Know that every day in our staff devotions we pray for your centers by name!

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with every good thing to do His will. And may He accomplish in us what is pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Heb. 13: 20-21

As Care Net is continuing to develop our ARC program and resources, we welcome your comments, questions and input. If your center has a vibrant men’s program, would you reach out to me?  I’d love to hear what you are doing so we can learn from you and share that knowledge with other centers.

You can contact Jill Marquis at jmarquis@care-net.org to share your post-abortive ministry experiences or ask questions.